MY GIRLFRIEND ASKED ME HOW TO SELL HER USELESS NIGERIAN BOYFRIEND - I TOLD HER CALL MANCHESTER UNITED

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Yesterday, Como beat Manchester United 4-1.

Not Real Madrid. Not Barcelona. Como.

Como that was in Serie B two years ago. Como that is coached by Cesc Fabregas who retired not long ago.

Nico Paz scored two goals. Douvikas scored one. Even their centre back Jacobo Ramon headed one. 4-1 in Champions League. United have not won in 7 games. Worst start in 40 years. Captain Bruno Fernandes is now fighting manager Michael Carrick live on TV.

And my friend in Port Harcourt said, "This is the best time to sell my useless Nigerian boyfriend to Manchester United."

She is right. If Como can score 4 against United, your boyfriend can score too.

Here is how to copy this email strategy and sell him this January.

*Subject line of your email to Old Trafford:*

"RE: Available Nigerian Talent - Low Cost, High Bench Experience, Ready To Lose 4-1 To Como"

They will open it. Because this is exactly what they are looking for right now.

*Inside the email, use this copy:*

Dear Manchester United Recruitment Team,

I am writing to offer you a hidden gem currently playing in the highly competitive Nigerian Boyfriend League.

Name: Your Boyfriend
Age: 28 but looks 34 because of too much stew and no job
Position: Professional Bench Warmer / Deep-lying Couch Midfielder

Why he fits Manchester United perfectly right now:

1. He knows how to lose 4-1 and still blame tactics. Just like your team against Como on Wednesday. He lost his last job interview and said it was village people. Same mentality.
2. He is excellent at conceding early. You conceded in 2nd minute against Como through Nico Paz. My boyfriend concedes the moment I say "Good morning, have you applied for work today?" Goal in 2 minutes. Perfect match.
3. He has zero pressing intensity. Bruno Fernandes complained after Como game that there was "not enough pressure on the ball." My boyfriend has not pressured anything in 3 years except my food. He will fit your system under Carrick.
4. He is used to a winless run. You have 7 games without winning. He has 7 months without winning any money. He understands the culture.
5. He is cheap. You spent millions and still lost 4-1 to Como. He will lose 4-1 for free. Plus you can pay him in shawarma and data.

Last week I told him to go and buy gas. He came back with story. He said "there was no gas because of spirit." Just like how you said "conditions were difficult in Como." Same press conference.

So please, sign him. He is already used to wearing red and disappointing women. He wears my red shirt and still disappoints me. He is ready for Old Trafford.

No need for medical. He has been doing medicals in my fridge every night.

Best regards,
A Tired Nigerian Girlfriend

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See the strategy?

You did not sell his weakness. You sold his fit.

Manchester United right now is not looking for the best player. They are looking for someone who understands losing 4-1 to Como and still walking around with confidence. That is your Nigerian boyfriend.

If Como can beat Manchester United 4-1, your boyfriend can start for Manchester United.

Call Carrington now. Before Chelsea signs him.


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